Be Curious, Not Furious

I am working on one big thing right now.

That is: Not getting worked up. 

As in, not letting myself get irritated by things happening around me. In particular, I’m working with those moments when someone or something violates one of my values and I get upset or shut down. 

For example, when someone brings up a presidential candidate that I deem particularly untrustworthy. 

Or when someone says something racist or harmful to other human beings.

On vacation recently, we were talking to another traveler who I had thought was a reasonable person but then he had had a few too many drinks. He started complaining that when he went to West Point, he had to answer all 250 questions to get in and how unfair it was that they reduced the number of questions to try to make it more accessible for women and people of color.

“WHAT?” I said.

I shook my head with great dramatic effect and looked at him with consternation. 

What was I going to say in response?

I said, “I find that incredibly offensive and I don't need to talk to you anymore.” 

And I walked away.

Not my proudest moment. My partner stayed for a few more minutes, planning to gracefully exit. He wasn’t interested in continuing to talk to the guy either, but didn’t want to just leave. 

He later told me the man acknowledged that he probably need to apologize to me—just as his wife approached. And his wife said to the guy, “Okay, who did you upset now?”

She was apparently used to him setting someone off.

This is just something he does, I guess.

In the end, though, I was the one who was worked up. I was the one who was activated. 

Annoyed.

Distressed. 

I couldn’t believe how insulting and harmful his comment was.

I was the one that carried that story with me, though. I even told people about it. I’m even writing about it right now. And he probably has moved on with his merry life and has not given it a second thought.

The problem with this kind of activation—when it leads to fight, flight, or freeze, is that you lose touch with yourself in that moment. You forget the larger whole—of how we are all connected human beings in this universe—and focus only on protecting yourself.

I protected myself by walking away.

I protected this illusion I have of this idealistic, inclusive world that I want to live in.

I protected my inability to deal with deep conflict.

A coach I know has a sign on her wall at home: Obstacles do not block the path. They are the path. 

Hmmm. 

How could such obstacles—or idiodic people—be the path?

But I know deep down that this is right. In these moments, when it becomes me versus someone else, I slip into that world of ego—that world that is dividing us.

I forget about how much I believe in hope. And possibility. And expansiveness.

One of my best friends told me she set a goal for herself this year to not complain anymore. To not criticize. To not judge. She says a meditation to herself every morning to practice this openness. Acceptance. Love.

I so admired this when she shared it with me.

I believe this is what spiritual intelligence is about. Spiritual intelligence is about anything that brings us back to the here and now. Anything that connects us to this moment. We don’t have to go to a mountaintop somewhere to connect to spiritual intelligence. It’s about doing anything that can wake myself up, bring me back into the present, and make me more self-aware.

Sure, that guy doesn’t see the world the way I do. But I can still let him have his view. Let him have his experience. His judgment. And I can choose to respond with love.  

Anytime we focus on love, it connects us more to the greater whole. 

I heard from another coach recently something helpful here: Get curious, not furious.

I can be furious with people like this all I want. But if I instead get curious. What will it take to help transform this world so there is true equity and inclusion? What does my role need to be in this?

The challenge is, having a more spiritual, accepting lens doesn't mean that everything gets easy. But it becomes less about I accept this, and I reject that. Less about I like this, and I don’t like that. Less about shutting myself down or opening myself up. Less about I let myself feel it, or I buffer myself against it.

It’s more about being in right relationship with whatever is present.

It doesn’t mean we have to accept others’ views. Or choose to not make things right. It’s about being with all of it—taking it in and experiencing it—not just trying to shut it down. Only when we get curious and deeply listen to other human beings can we know where we need to go from here.

What does right relationship look like in this crazy world right now? How might we be more in right relationship with what shows up in front of us? What might be possible then?

I’m sure curious about that. 

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