A Deeper Dive
Friends sometimes make fun of me for questions I tend to ask.
I admit it.
I get tired of surface-level conversations. I am tired of shallow. I want to go deep.
Ever feel that way?
Ever feel like you spend too much time skimming across the surface of the water? You spend your life waving to others who are also on the surface, asking how work is or how the weekend went, and never really getting to know what’s under the surface?
Sometimes, I just want to go snorkeling.
Life can be more meaningful if we connect a couple of feet under the surface.
I'm not saying we have to dig supremely deep, as if into past trauma or things that you're happy to keep locked up tight in your own personal vault. I'm talking about: What motivates you? What do you long for? What do you think your life purpose is? What do you wish were different in your life?
The other night, we had a couple friends over—we've known each other a long time. And after dinner, as we sat in the living room, I pulled out my TableTopics, a small plastic box holding 100 cards of questions just like that.
Each card has a question to get you thinking. I thought it would be fun. Yes, this is how I like to spend a Friday night, people!
The questions we asked each other were things like:
Which of your partner’s clothes would you like to burn?
How is your partner different than their parents?
What advice would you give a younger couple?
What hobbies did you enjoy when you were young but you no longer do?
Who or what has contributed the most to your value system?
What does your partner do that makes you laugh the hardest?
Which of your partner's personality traits do you wish you had more of?
What would you most like to accomplish in the next 12 months?
There were edgy and more risqué questions of course, but I skipped those since we were in mixed company.
We laughed a lot.
Learned a few things.
I learned that now that he’s retired, my partner wants to tackle cleaning out our basement (thank goodness!). But then, when one of our friends started talking about a 12-month goal of ensuring her body stays healthy for years to come, we all said “Screw the basement! We’re going to go do yoga!”
Do you ever have conversations like this?
Imagine one of those times when you’re out for dinner happy just being together, but once you get current with how things are at work and what’s going on with the family or friends, you can feel like you run out of things to talk about.
You think it's because you have been married for 25 years.
But it's actually because you have caught up on everything that's on the surface.
What happening about 25 feet down?
On a trip we just took to the Caribbean, we went snorkeling in Barbados. Offshore, they had sunk a good-sized vessel, and left it there to help grow some new coral. And what was happening there under the water, not far from the sunbathers and swimmers on the shore?
There were sea turtles. And colorful reef fish. And sting rays.
And coral was growing—very slowly—but growing just the same. It was colorful, and full of fish, and full of life.
Whenever I travel, one of my favorite things to do near the end of a vacation is to ask my travel mates, “What was your favorite stop so far? Who has been your favorite tour guide so far? What were some of your favorite vacation moments?”
Sometimes, my partner or my friends groan a bit, saying, “There she goes again.”
But be patient, friends!
Next time I ask you a question, don't groan and say, “There goes Kellie, being a coach again.” This is not me being coachy.
This is me wanting to know you a little deeper. This is me wanting to know what kind of fish you tend to under the surface. This is me wanting to know the insights that are safely tucked away inside your heart.
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