This Little Rock of Mine

Does His Holiness the Dalai Lama have a small, jagged rock hidden in a tiny corner of his robe? 

He must have at least one flaw in those maroon folds. 

I mean, is it truly possible to hold unconditional positive regard for everyone—all the time?

Carl Rogers thought we could—he believed healing comes from unconditional acceptance of others we are in relationship with, regardless of what they say or do.

I can do that some of the time.

Much of the time even.

But not all day every day.

I get angry at my son for not calling or texting me back (it can be a week sometimes, but who’s counting). I can get mad at my partner for periodically choosing tennis with the guys over dinner plans together. Or, I can get upset with that customer service rep who doesn't give me what I want.

How did Mother Teresa do it? 

She must have had one tiny corner of anger and resentment in her personality. Did she have one sharp pebble tucked into her pocket of that white sari with its signature blue stripes? A flaw that she clung to with bony fingers? That one small corner of her spirit beingness she did not have to give up? 

There had to be some moments in Calcutta when after saying, “Do small things with great love” that she wanted to punch someone. 

I believe Mother Teresa would forgive me for my own flaws.

Recent years appear to have brought out the worst in people. I saw a study recently that said from 2021-2023, global emotional intelligence declined 24 percent.

24 percent!

Makes sense, doesn't it?

We can see it. It’s as if our weaknesses and sorrows, our dismays and failings have been highlighted with a giant highlighter pen. 

I have my own highlighter I like to use now and then—to track the failings of those I love. Back when I had an active alcoholic in my life, I used to circle days with drinking on the calendar—as if me tracking them would somehow clarify that formula of addiction that I didn’t understand. 

Or taking careful note when my partner or my colleagues or my family members don't do what I want them to do.

But me highlighting others’ flaws does not help me get to peace. 

It's more helpful for me to focus on highlighting my own character defects. Only that will help me grow the ability to reflect, to be present, and to heal.

Peace can only be found in a clear, unencumbered heart.

At least the kind that lasts, anyway.

Thomas Hubl, author of Attuned, shared in an interview on Coaches Rising that when the nervous system feels safe enough, it will be able to detox itself.

Because I work in the non-profit sector, I work with a lot of people who spend their lives lifting up others. And elevating people and communities is tiring work.

Our other work is therefore to focus on calming down our own nervous systems—so we can heal ourselves, and then be able to show up clear and help heal others.

A colleague once shared Emily Dickinson’s poem “Hope is a Thing with Feathers” with our team in a meeting:

“Hope” is the thing with feathers – That perches in the soul – And sings the tune without the words – And never stops at all…I've heard it in the chillest land - And on the strangest sea - Yet, never, in extremity - It asked a crumb of me.

Hope is a thing with feathers. 

Hope is light and airy and full of forgiveness and grace. Hope is what filled out Mother Teresa’s and the Dalai Lama's robes, even if there were some small rocks inside. 

And hope can fill the clothes on our own backs. 

It does not ask a crumb of us. 

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