In ______ We Trust

Consider someone from your life—present or past—who you do not trust.

Write their initials on a Post-it.

Colleagues and I did this exercise last week with Cory Scheer. He frequently speaks to organizations on this topic of trust.

In the session, none of us had trouble identifying someone. The echoes of distrust reach far and wide.

I knew right away who my person was. 

It was someone I worked with once who did untrustworthy things. She was super smart, and pleasant enough much of the time. But then she would lose patience, be too harsh with her criticism, and belittle others. She was also not transparent with the team. Once, she even told a group of direct reports that she had drank too much alcohol and ended up much of the night on the floor by a toilet. 

Not surprisingly, many members of the team did not trust her. One of the staff had even framed a berating email she had written to him and kept it at his desk. He pulled it out periodically to show it off.

As much as I struggled with her behavior at times, she did grant me opportunity and was always supportive of my work. But when push came to shove, I did not trust her either. 

I had a hard time writing down her initials though. 

She passed away a few years ago. She died after an extensive illness, leaving behind a few young kids. 

It made everything we used to complain about seem not very important.

Someone might call it karma.

I see it simply as the unfortunate hand she was dealt.

That day completing the exercise, instead of writing her initials, I drew a tiny heart on my piece of paper. I sent her love and held her in my heart for the whole day.

But it was fairly easy to wish her and her family well. Who would hold a grudge in that kind of case?

Is there someone in your life that you don’t trust? 

Reflecting back on the Post-it exercise a few days later, I started thinking, “I don’t want to simply name this person. I want to heal myself—and all of us—from this history.”

I have been reading Pema Chodron’s book Welcoming the Unwelcome. In it, she describes a beautiful tonglen meditation practice that can liberate ourselves and others from suffering. 

Chodron suggests, “Try to expand your heart beyond what is currently possible. Think of someone you find difficult…. call to mind their face or their name—anything that brings them near. Then do tonglen for them.”

The tonglen practice entails four steps:

1)     Connect to the openness/stillness in your heart (i.e., recall a moment when you have had a wide-open view, such as staring out at the ocean or standing at the top of a mountain)

2)     Imagine and inhale the thick, heavy texture of your image of this situation or person (e.g., breathe in the full, hot discomfort of your mind fixated on the issue)

3)     Exhale a cool, fresh, and light air (imagine a brightness exhaling out after you take in the pain or edginess of what you are trying to resolve)

4)     Expand your sense of it all (as you breathe, imagine the pain and the relief expanding well beyond the situation or person to touch all situations and all persons).

I imagine myself at the top of Mount Jefferson in New Hampshire. From there, I can see Mount Washington, Madison, and Adams in the hazy distance—mountains in every direction. 

I think about this person who we might have resented in the past, and breathed in her edginess, the harmful energy she had transmitted to some others during that time of her life. I then exhaled out the brightness of her pure heart, her commitment to her work, and love for her children and family.  

It felt light—and free.

I then considered all of the people whose initials were written on those pieces of paper in that workshop room. All the suffering of those who felt burdened by others’ behavior.  

Who might you forgive now, before it's too late?

Is there someone in your life that you don’t trust like that? 

What relationship might you want to move beyond? 

Chodron says we can do this tonglen meditation anytime we see someone suffering or in pain. We can do this anytime, not just when we are on a yoga mat or meditation cushion.

“We are out walking, and we see someone in pain—right on the spot we can begin to breathe in that person’s pain and send out relief.”

I think of this when I am in big cities and walk by beggars with outstretched hands—or even those who might be scam artists holding carboard signs at intersections. When I think of those suffering from domestic or sexual violence. Those struggling with addictions. Victims of human trafficking. Those locked in prisons. Those who are lost.

And those moving through life among the privileged—if you are reading this, perhaps those like you and me—but who might be still in great pain.

Who might you forgive now, before it's too late?

Who might you send out love to?

Exhale some lightness out to them today.  

They might need it. 

We all do.

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