I Have Two Minds

I have two minds about this.

Ever say that?

I was just reminded of this in a recent training: Humans can hold two diametrically opposing ideas at once. 

Two ideas that conflict with each other. 

Two values that conflict with each other.

This is part of what makes us gloriously human. We can say, “The sky is blue,” but a moment later, we can say, “Yes, but it’s also purple! There are the northern lights!”

I can want my adult son to be a gloriously independent, self-managing adult. But I also want to draw him close and have him deeply connected to me.

When my mother was in the last stages of cancer, her body wrecked and unconscious much of the time, I wanted her suffering to end. I wanted her to find peace. I held her hand—without her holding mine back—and said willfully, “You can go, Mom.”

But at the same time, I wanted her to stay. I wanted to cry out, “Don’t leave me!”

Have you experienced moments like this, when you hold two polar opposites at one time? When you cling to both the north and south poles at once?

I see this in clients all the time.

They can feel power-ful.

But they can also feel power-less.

What opposites do you hold at the same time?

You want to end a relationship, but you also can’t imagine being without the person. You want to quit a job, but you can’t get yourself to take the leap.

I love to travel on cruises. It’s an easy and safe way to visit five different countries in one week, while unpacking my bags only once. But I also love whales. And I know that big ships have strikes against cetaceans. How can I possibly hold both at the same time? 

Daniel Goleman, who has written a lot about emotional intelligence, says, “In a very real sense we have two minds, one that thinks and one that feels.” In other words, sometimes the head feels one way about something, and the heart another.

Holding two contradictory ideas at once is one of the most amazing things about the human brain—it gives us the gift of options. These fuzzy conflicts help us embrace contradictions. But how do you decide what is right?

When caught in a dilemma like this, we can consider the topic, and complete these sentences: “My mind is…” “My heart is…” “My body is…”

My mind is conflicted. My heart is clear. My body is heavy. Then, what new insights emerge from this kind of reflection?

It may be that the things that you are holding—whether ideas, beliefs, or values—are all true. So the real question is, “Which serves you more? Which serves my life purpose more?"

In the end, these are tough calls. As dear author and poet Maya Angelou said, “The real difficulty is to overcome how you think about yourself.” 

Yes, overcoming how I think about me. I’ve got more than a few minds about that subject. And don't we all?